There is rarely a point in time when a simple spin around the block to alleviate boredom will end up as a simple spin around the block. Usually such things will get me travelling to Vancouver. Such was the case on Saturday night. I left thinking that I would be just going up to the store for food, and ended up negotiating downtown. Any unplanned trip downtown with me will usually end up in frequent frustration, wrong turns, and creation of new words. This is only if there is a particular direction I wish to travel, or a destination to be reached. If my aim is to simply kill time, there are no such frustrations.
This is not to so, however, that there will never be frustrations if this is my objective. Take this past Saturday for example, I was driving around downtown, minding my own business, contemplating going bowling or wandering Waters street on foot. Such plans were not to be.
So I am turning left onto the road that goes directly in front of the Pan Pacific Hotel. Those intimately familiar with Vancouver will likely know which street this is. I do not, nor do I have the fortitude to at this time attempt to read a map. The street is not really that important. Just as I am about to get up to the stop sign, I stopped early, as to allow the bus turning left into the lane beside me more than ample room to complete the job. I think I ran into a rookie bus driver. He was driving one of those gigantic tour busses that are as about twice as high as they are long. This may be an exaggeration. So he get closer, and closer to my bumper. Pretty soon the side of his bus is scraping a long the front left corner of my bumper, leaving this long black streak on the side of the bus. I would love to have words with him, however, that would have to wait. The action I then took is where this story really starts. I look into my rear view mirror. Nobody there. I put it in reverse (after all, I don’t wish to have a bus run over the front of my car), and while still accelerating, run into the car behind me. I got distracted from the bus pretty quickly. Naturally, the car I hit was a brand new looking, fancy, Honda civic. I do not know if this guy was also going forward at the time I hit him, but I imagine most (if not all) of the error was on my part. I have never hit anything with my car before, and this was not a prospect that I had looked forward to. Oh well, there is yet another streak that I have broken.
Does that count as one or two accidents?
So after the usual exchanging of licence numbers etc, and inspection of the cars (NO DAMAGE, I am pleased to say) we leave each other. So much for my relaxing drive. Oh well, at least is was NOT boring. Anyway I then decided that the best course of action would be to make my way home.
So I am sitting at the light of the intersection of Robson and Thurlow. Bang! Some girl hits me from behind (this happened to me a few years ago too, at the very SAME intersection!). Once again, no damage, but I was starting to have enough of Vancouver for once. At least she seemed to care that she hit me, and apologized profusely. Strange she looked close enough to someone that I used to go out with that I had to look three or four times to realize that it was a different person. Weird experience. More license number exchanged.
I am still pissed at that bus.
On the way home, going through New Westminster, I go through one of those drinking and driving checkpoints. The bottle of root beer in my lap received extra scrutiny. The cop actually asked for it to smell it. Oh well, they didn’t pull me over to the side to flashlight the inside of my car this time anyway.
So the moral of this story is… uhmmm. Well, at least, don’t just look in your rear view mirror – actually turn your head. At least I didn’t regret not doing that all that much, it could have been worse.
DAVE BARRY ON RELATIONSHIPS
CONTRARY to what many women believe, it’s fairly easy to develop a long-term, stable, intimate, and mutually fulfilling relationship with a guy. Of course this guy has to be a Labrador retriever. With human guys,it’s extremely difficult. This is because guys don’t really grasp what women mean by the term relationship.
Let’s say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.
And then, one evening when they’re driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: “Do you realize that, as of tonight, we’ve been seeing each other for exactly six months?”
And then there is silence in the car. To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: Geez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he’s been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I’m trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn’t want, or isn’t sure of.
And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months.
And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I’m not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I’d have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward . . . I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?
And Roger is thinking: . . . so that means it was . . . let’s see . . .February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer’s, which means . . . lemme check the odometer . . . Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.
And Elaine is thinking: He’s upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I’m reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed — even before I sensed it — that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that’s it. That’s why he’s so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He’s afraid of being rejected.
And Roger is thinking: And I’m gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don’t care what those morons say, it’s still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It’s 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a goddamn garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.
And Elaine is thinking: He’s angry. And I don’t blame him. I’d be angry, too. God, I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can’t help the way I feel. I’m just not sure.
And Roger is thinking: They’ll probably say it’s only a 90-day warranty.That’s exactly what they’re gonna say, the scumballs.
And Elaine is thinking: Maybe I’m just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I’m sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.
And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I’ll give them a goddamn warranty. I’ll take their warranty and stick it right up their *** and they will talk about this situ……………………………
September 23, 1998 Unpopular ideas – breakfast corn and PIZZA!
WOW. September 23! What happened? I think its should still be March. Perhaps it was all a dream?
I know that I have not updated this page in a long time, and that the whole title of The Daily Rant is a sham, but not much has happened since the Vancouver bumpercars incident.
So what I am going to share with you are some of the least popular ideas that I brought forth in my previous life at UCFV. These things are seemingly benign, but you would not believe the adamant beliefs that certain persons (UCFV personalities) hold on these subjects. An open mind is always a good thing, and a closed mouth gathers no feet.
I have previously been vilified and mocked for my beliefs about the phenomenon known as breakfast. Lets pretend for the moment that you have slept in. It is around 1:00 in the afternoon. You get up, go downstairs (or for me now, I go about two feet) and get something to eat. What is this meal called? Breakfast? Lunch? A snack?
I hold the vastly unpopular view that this in fact NOT breakfast. LOOK, you have missed the time when normal people eat breakfast. You are now eating lunch, and your next big meal (not snacks…. a meal) will be called dinner. On the occasion of THIS morning you did not have breakfast. Simply calling the first meal of the day : BREAKFAST is pandering to those who call it the “most important meal of the day”. You are all simply giving in to an age old information campaign. SHAME!!
Another unpopular idea that I unveiled one day was that corn will taste the same whether it is eaten on or off of the cob from which it came. I did not think that this was a wild and crazy idea, but it became immediately obvious that I was a revolutionary. A true trendsetter before my time. Even though I still posess ALL of my own teeth, I actually cut the corn off of the cob before I eat it. This has given rise to considerable quantity of mocking of unparalled dimentions, from my parents and my peers. Apparently, I am missing out on the whole EXPERIENCE of eating corn. I maintain that the corn one eats on the cob is much the same as the corn one eats off of it. So sue me.
I have probably gotten you all riled up about these positions on such delicate subject matter. I have had intense discussions about this, and have had very few people agree with my positions. I have even been persecuted for my beliefs by those who, at the time, had significant enough influence upon me to do so.
Now is probably not a good time to point out that I generally eat pizza with a fork.