Looking at where my hits have come from recently, I have noticed that all kinds of hits have been coming from search engines. Most of these searches have been looking for something called : “the rant” . I can only assume that this is because of the commercial of the same name (the rant). You know the one : My name is Joe and I am Canadian! Perhaps the search engines are picking up on the words “the rant” in my title, or the fact that “the rant” is actually contained on this page. I have heard many different angles on how search engines sort sites in their rankings, but one of them was the amount of times that keywords come up in the text. I suppose that meta tags do a little too… So I guess that placing the words “the” and “rant” or the phrase “the rant” in my page of rants might actually increase my hits, hypothetically. Therefore, people looking for “the rant” that was in the rant commercial might actually be picking up on “the rant” in this very sentence, or “the rant” words from my title. Of course, I am completely above placing words like “the” and rant” or the phrase “the rant” in my page that may contain a rant or two simply in order to increase my hits from people looking for “the rant”. I don’t want to start a rant here, but that sort of behaviour is completely unacceptable, and you will not find me doing such deplorable things on this page. Glad we cleared that up.

There are all nature of webpages out there on the internet (so I’ve heard…). Some of them have serious, noble intentions. Most do not. I am not quite sure where “The Daily Rant” fits in, but its certainly not at the top of the heap. When I graduated from high school, there were four websites on the internet in North America (1993). Now, I HAVE, or control, four websites myself. The internet has spawned quite the revolution in the mass production and distribution of poor spelling, bad grammar, screwed up logic, inappropriate photos, horrifically saccharine .midi songs, along with someone’s page devoted to their pet skink (I’m imagining here…). While the internet was originally created with a noble interest in communicating honorable ideas, it has since degenerated into a free for all misinformation distribution machine devoted to sex, stolen songs, pyramid schemes. This doesn’t bother me terribly. Many might consider my own website here quite the waste of time. Sometimes I do.

I do recognize that the internet has become a very good way to get your ideas out to the masses. It is also a very efficient manner in which to advertise your wedding (ouch…segue whiplash).. Take my friend’s website, www.jasonfriesen.com for example. This is a pretty good way to tell people how to get there, etc. However, it was a little unconventional in some respects…

Actually, it is quite a nice site, with a little bit of humor mixed in. This is always welcome. However, imagine my surprise when I discovered a section devoted to ME. This seemed odd. After all, this was the “Jason Friesen” website wasn’t it? Why was there a section with MY name on it? I innocently clicked on the link, expecting a link to my site or something (still had no idea why there would be one there but… whatever). Well, I didn’t exactly find a link to my site. Now, I feel that I must defend what you will find there. First of all, that is not MY picture. I have no idea who that is, only that his image will continue to haunt my dreams for quite some time! I actually found this rather amusing. Giving my phone number was a nice touch too. It became less amusing 10 minutes later, when I got a notification email from the bride telling everyone (a long list of other recipients) that the site existed. So I figured that link would disappear. It didn’t. Suddenly, this became public exposure.

The thing that bothers me the most about this was that I didn’t think of doing it to him first.

So how does one counter such a blatant bout of internet misinformation (Ive never even SEEN a sea monkey…)?? Well, look for the “Unofficial Jason Friesen Website” to be unveiled soon. I intend to have a little fun with it.

Writing this entry was a little more forced that usual. I don’t think it is one of my best. However, I do have a rather good excuse. I wrote two papers over the weekend and Monday, and I fear that all of my good sentences have left my fingertips already. Its just so bloody awful to write a paper where you have to fight for every sentence, every new idea. I have really enjoyed writing papers the entire time I have been doing them (although 4 in 5 days last semester was a little harrowing). Writing is one of the few times in my academic “career” where I can say that the effort I put in always translates into good marks. I wish exams were the same. The paper I wrote at the end of last week, the one that fought back and nearly won, was for my Environmental Physiology of Animals class. The paper was entitled: Physiological and Behavioural Adaptation to Desiccation in the Intertidal Prosobranch Gastropod Littorina. Im sure you will agree this was a most fascinating topic.

The other “paper” I wrote I did all in one day. 14 pages, excluding figures. The thing with this one was that I actually enjoyed it. The idea was to come up with all the habitat requirements of Marten (Martes americana), and decide how a fictitious valley should be logged (after saving a set amount of untouchable land) in order to protect as much of the Marten population in the valley as possible. So, what if I don’t know anything about Marten requirements or logging practices? No problem, we weren’t supposed to research it, and we were just to use our prior knowledge about wildlife requirements and ecological principles in general. Actually, coming up with theoretical ideas was really quite interesting. Certainly more interesting than parroting back research in bits and pieces in order to form a coherent mass of words. Im glad that the last paper I have to write before I graduate was an interesting one. The best ones go to the Ministry of Environment, where they will likely be ignored.

I’ve run out of words and bad ideas, so I now return you to the year 2001, already in progress….

I managed to screw up cooking in the microwave already (I only had one for about a month). I have realized both what it is like to be able to destroy your food in half the time, and what happens when you place a bowl of soup in it – complete with a spoon. Luckily I don’t seem to have the kind if microwave that reacts violently to metal objects within it. I have been known to forget that I am cooking dinner, with my back turned to the kitchen, but chances are even I would notice if my microwave went supernova with my soup spoon still inside.

I have a hotmail account, which of course means that I get a whole lot of crappy email. Some of it is much like staying up late and watching infomercials – its very stupid but you get a laugh because it is so. Most of the email is annoying – but occasionally I get something so ludicrous that its funny rather than annoying. Today I got an email entitled : Stop receiving junk email. Of course, sending such information in junk mail form sort of destroyed some of their credibility right off. Another good thing to include in an email where you intend to persuade someone to buy your product are spelling mistakes and grammatical errors:

Our advertising company would like to stop sending you unnecessary email by beconmming
aquanted with you and learning about your interests through the following survey.
Subscribe today, and you’ll receive targeted mailings that will notify you of products and
services that meet your interests. Subscribers to these free lists will receive occasional
e-mailed announcements of special offers relating to each topic subscribed!
Please take a few moments to answer the following questions about yourself.

This is a great example of the above. Not only have they misspelled acquainted and becoming, they want to end my junk emails by sending me emails of their own. Now – theres a plan!

World war III has broken out in the crisper of my fridge. Send reinforcements!

I had Japanese food for dinner on Sunday. Hey kids – can we say too much garlic? I knew you could.

Whoops, I’ve gone and done it again. Its 11:00, I’ve lost track of time once again, and I have just consumed an entire pizza. This is great – and probably indicates that I won’t get to sleep until something like 4 am. Considering I have to get up at 6:00, drive to the bottom of SFU, take the bus, go through 3 hours of class, get back on the bus, drive to Richmond (where I expect to spend a further 3-400 dollars getting my blasted car through the BC gov’t scam called airCare) and back again, and then go through another 3 hours of class – its a good thing that I won’t be getting any sleep the night before all of this.

I was standing outside the library at SFU the other day, and I noticed a young woman looking at me. She looked at me, then at papers on her clipboard, at me again, then the clipboard again. Then she waved over some other clipboard carrying guy, and then she pointed at me. They then both scrutinized the clipboard – this was getting interesting. So then the woman came over to me, and handed me a sheet. Apparently, I fit the description of extras that they wanted for a movie. I read the physical description, and I am not sure that I am flattered by any means.

Unbelievably, all of these have happened. These types of people are among those who make a trip to the grocery store infuriating, though often interesting.

1. Time for a change – this type of person slows the lineup by running back for something they forgot. They then proceed to want to chat with the clerk. When it comes time to pay (and only then), they search and search and search through their purse for change, find some, then laboriously count it out, but they don’t have enough. They then proceed to pay by cheque.

2. Sure, we’re in the 15 items or less lane, but you don’t have to physically move MY grocery items in order to count them. I want to slap your hands when they do that – but it is Iwho would be thrown out, not the obsessive compulsive item counter behind me.

3. Stand so close behind me that I can’t move backwards even slightly without bumping into you. Once this happens three or four times, I’ll do it on purpose until you back the fuck off.

4. When I ultimately ignore your inane conversation about the weather (after politely engaging it for a minute or two) I will get mad when you repeatedly tap me on the shoulder to talk to me again. I am not antisocial but…..

5. I don’t want to hear about your “beautiful” niece who can’t keep a boyfriend. No, I am not interested.

6. Point out that an item I am purchasing is something that you don’t like. I neither care nor share your opinion.

7. I get enough of an inquisition from the clerk about not having air miles – I don’t want to hear about how your friends brothers third cousin has enough points to fly to mars – and why I should have a card too.

8. Put the dividing stick down in order to encompass some of my groceries that you find interesting. Act combative when I move it.

So I get home tonight and what do I discover? Mouse droppings in my sink. What the hell is this? Now, my place is by no means a palace, and may harbor the odd spider that has to be dealt with from time to time… but not usually this kind of vermin intrusion. Just before I descended into (yet) another raving conniption about life in general, I looked more closely at the presents in my sink. It turns out that they are nothing more than seeds that came from the bagels that I eat. Cancel the air strikes, the firebombing, the complaints to the people upstairs who own the place.

So now I am eating a bagel, and something just doesn’t feel quite right about it, but I can’t figure out just what….

Ah yes, so yesterday was Valentines day. I don’t think that a friend of mine could have put it more eloquently or appropriately when they stated : “Happy @$@##$@#$ Valentines day!”. My sentiments exactly!

This is a day that should be put at the top of the list of commercial “holidays” second perhaps only to Christmas. Its just that I don’t really like being told that I HAVE to give somebody something on a specific day (anniversaries are a different matter). This is not to say that I wouldn’t do it (which I certainly would – what? do I look stupid?) just that I feel that spontaneous, unexpected gifts and things are better. I certainly prefer giving those ones (as opposed to gifts that are expected on a certain day), and I prefer receiving them as well (a working theory). At least then I am not subjected to people jacking up their prices for specific events (like roses etc. on Valentines day). They should call the whole thing: “buy something from the florist or get in trouble day”. I guess I am just bitter. I had plenty to say about this yesterday, but today my “anger” has subsided. Oh well.

Tomorrow I have that fateful Archaeology 344 midterm, the one where nobody knows what is on the exam because the professor fled to a foreign country and the fill-ins haven’t known what to cover. It should be interesting. There is nothing better than looking at an exam question and not knowing ANY of what it is referring to. This is something that didn’t even happen during my hieroglyphics/Organic Chemistry exam. It should be interesting, in a train wreck sort of way.

Today I almost killed someone. Don’t jump to conclusions – let me explain this. I stopped my car before a crosswalk, on a two lane road (each way). I wanted to let four people on the sidewalk cross the road. Simple right? Not exactly – the guy behind me got pissed off because I stopped, showed me two of his fingers, honked, and promptly passed me just as the people crossing were to step in front of his car. Luckily, they didn’t, but he didn’t slow down either. So after about 5 cars had gone by in the lane next to me, one finally stopped. So the people were now in the middle of the road, but were still blocking the guy next to me, but I left at that point. Since I was really doing a round the block U-turn (three rights make a left) I came back on the same road (heading the other way) and they were STILL THERE!!!! – waiting to cross the other two lanes. Now maybe they weren’t the aggressive sort of pedestrian (since you are sort of at weight a disadvantage) that really makes it look like they are about to step in front of you. This is how I usually do it – make like I’m going to step in front of them (even though I’m not). If they have a problem with this – its a CROSSWALK – and they’ll just have to deal with the 10 seconds of their life that will stand still. Maybe those people are still standing there, waiting to cross the road.

This is something that is getting really bad – nobody can cross the road anymore. Its as though I can almost kill someone by stopping for them, because frequently nobody else will in the oncoming lanes. I flash my lights, and I frequently get the finger from oncoming motorists, and not the little one.

I sort of got enraged at this today – I really wonder why drivers aren’t retested every so often. I personally would dislike the cost that I would have to bear by being retested every 5 years or so, but the thought that maybe this gets a few idiots off the road might be worth it. I have raised this point before. People whine and complain that they might lose their licenses if this happened : “I need my car to get to work” they whine. Sure – but if you can’t drive it well enough to pass the REALLY easy drivers test that people get then you don’t deserve the privilege.

–Its like coloring (and not much harder) – I don’t’ know why more people can’t stay between the damn lines.

–Slow down – YOU AREN”T A FIRE TRUCK! Today I saw a guy put his BMW on two wheels when he was taking a corner at SFU. This is the kind of person who kills others (This has already happened more than once recently at SFU).

–Don’t get pissed of with me just because I only go 10 over the speed limit. All the gesturing, honking and swearing isn’t going to make you get to class faster. In fact, this tends to make me slow down. HA!

–Red lights aren’t suggestions – some people feel the need to negotiate. There can’t be that many colorblind people can there?

— If you rear-end me, don’t pass me and then try to look for two adjacent parking spots in downtown Vancouver (Robson and Thurlow) on a Saturday afternoon before Christmas while I frantically attempt to follow you through the traffic. Why can’t smart people hit me?

You can call the police (hands free phone of course…) and say that there is a probable drunk driver in front of you on the road – but can you call them and say that the moron in front of you is weaving everywhere, bouncing off of curves, and going 30 in a 60 zone because they rather engrossed in their telephone conversation? It think you might get laughed at. This goes for other things too – I have seen people reading books, shaving etc. Once I even saw a guy with a plate on the dashboard above his speedometer – and he was eating from it with a fork (on the freeway no less). Once I was driving home from my college with someone who insisted on studying while they drove. What the hell is that? If you insist on weaving around while trying to read notes in your lap then you can take someone with you to hell other than me!

If we were subject to retesting every five years with a road test there would be a lot of complaining and whining. Really, there isn’t probably a politician with the balls to do it, BC’s Attorney General from the New Dumb, Dumber, Dumbest Party of BC (NDDDP) recently backed down on his call to make it illegal to drive while operating a hand held cell phone. I really doubt that anybody would have the guts to create/enforce a law that changed the Motor Vehicle Act in such a way to enact retesting every 5 years. Still, I think that it would be a good idea and if people cannot past such a rudimentary test – then they shouldn’t be licensed to drive a dangerous weapon around town either. When I took the drivers test I had lessons before – which basically taught me absolutely nothing. Seriously, my parents should have taken the money and thrown it in the river instead – it would have done more towards teaching me to drive than the lessons I took. The point here is that I EASILY passed the driving test – all I did wrong was that I parked too far away from the curb (2 centimeters too far). I have noticed that perhaps my vigilance on the road has waned over the years, and maybe I too could benefit from a retest. Hmmmm.