CONDIMENT INTELLIGENCE

The other day I was washing dishes, and I heard a distinct sneeze emanate from the fridge. Naturally curious, I flung open the door and scrutinized the various food items. After a few seconds, the ketchup began screaming : “The Mayonnaise did it, the Mayonnaise did it”!

To this day, I have not been able to coax the Mayonnaise to do or say anything, and have naturally concluded that the sneeze was a product of my own imagination.

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THE BANK

Customer goes to the bank in order to get some blank cheques. Usually, this comes up every 6 months or so because rent is paid by cheque, and the bank usually will only give half a dozen of them.

At the counter (after 15 minute wait because there is only on teller open):

Customer: “I’d like to get some temporary cheques please. I don’t have my “passbook” but I do have my “client card”. Bank Teller: . “You should really order some real ones”!

Customer: “I would but I don’t write that many cheques”.
Bank Teller: “You can get a package of around 20 billion cheques for only 20 dollars” (not including service fees)

-The teller then shows customer some samples – things like clowns with balloons, kittens with yarn, colored stripes, pictures of people doing things (sorry, not interesting things)…. you get the idea.-

Customer: “Well, I would spend the 20 dollars to get cheques I don’t need, but I’ll have to get that picture of Norman Rockwell beating a child in the background”.

-It should be noted that this was not really said, but this customer was just wishing he could get his damn temp cheques!-

Customer: “I can’t get permanent cheques because I move a lot”.

-please forgive the customer for this complete lie-
At this point the teller was no doubt thinking….. cheap bastard.

The Teller then shuffles off and gets the damn cheques, but only after chatting up “Shirley” the business load wench for about five minutes on the merits of margarine over butter.

The customer is not amused

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THERE IS NO REAL REASON FOR IT, THAT IS JUST THE WAY THAT IT IS

Steve (names have been changed to protect the guilty) signs out a library book from the Burnaby Cement University (BCU – so named due to the concrete bunker architecture, although sometimes mispronounced SFU). He notices that the book is due on the March 12, 1999. On March 4, Steve receives a letter informing him that this book is overdue, and the overdue fines are currently at 4 dollars. Since this letter was sent many days prior to Steve actually receiving the letter, the fines are in actuality much greater than that. So that evening, at BCU, Steve goes to the library, throws his book down the chute where books are usually returned, and goes to the counter to pay his fees.

Steve : “This is my library card and I would like to pay my overdue fine”.
Behind the counter person: “Where is the book that is late”?

Steve : “I threw it down the hole”.
Behind the counter person: “The hole”? Steve : “The book return hole”.

-Steve couldn’t think of what else to call it-

Behind the counter person: “You had better hope that the second floor staff get to it in time so that you don’t have to pay late fees for tomorrow too!”

Steve : “Why would you fine me if I already returned the book”.
Behind the counter person: “You are supposed to return the book to the counter”!

Steve : “How am I supposed to know this”?
Behind the counter person: “I don’t know… its just the way that its done”.

-Steve always finds it extremely frustrating when people admit that a system is flawed and that Steve was in no way at fault, but still pays the consequences-

Steve : ” I have a book at home that is due today, of which I was going to renew online tonight”.
Behind the counter person: Since you didn’t return the overdue book to me, rather, you threw it down the hole, your library privileges are suspended and you cannot renew the other book.

-Steve noted with some satisfaction that she referred to it as the “hole” as well-

Steve : “But then that book will be overdue as well!”
Behind the counter person: “Well, you could go home and bring it back”?

Steve thinks that this really sucks. First of all, the original due date was the 12th of March, not the 4th. What occurred was that someone else requested the book, and the normal 3 week loan period was cut back severely. The library, of course, informs students of such things via the postal service, which is obviously quicker and more reliable than email or a phone call.

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IT IS TIME TO RENEW THE LOXAPINE OR CLOZAPINE PRESCRIPTION

The other day, I was hungry, which in itself was not out of the ordinary. I, being rather lazy when making food for myself, went to a fast food place for some burgers (drive through). I had this local talk radio show on the radio. Unfortunately, the topic was concerning the intense outrage and pain that a few men were going through concerning the fact that they had been circumcised at birth. Apparently, and i will not go into detail, these guys were so traumatized and adamant that they were wronged that they were using stretching tape and weights in some combination to stretch things down there. After two years,this would be remedied. This is not so much the issue, and is not really much that I want to discuss.

So while at the drive through, after ordering, and after responding appropriately to the drive through woman’s : “now you drive around” instructions, I was sitting at the window, waiting to pay. I had my window open, and my radio on (which I normally don’t do at a drive through (the radio)). Well apparently this woman heard the topic on the radio and was not amused.

Drive through “woman”: “You turn off smut radio or I no service you”.
Me: “Whaaaaaaaat”?

Drive through “woman”: “Smut radio”. “I no listen to eroticize tape when servicing you”. “Take your smut tape to other place”.
Me: “Whaaaaaaaat”?

At this point she left from sight, and some other woman came to the window. I tried, once again, to give her my money.

Drive through person number 2: Whats the problem here?
Me: I ordered two single cheeseburgers. Here is 10 dollars.

Well, basically the first drive through person never reappeared, and I got my cheeseburgers. I am still confused as to how words such as “circumcision” were instantly translated as “smut”, “eroticize tape”, and ultimately, “I no service you”. Perhaps there was simply a language barrier, but I think that really there was something more, do you?

Today I went to the bank. Fifteen people in line. One teller open. You fill in the rest of the story.

On Sunday night I went to a Vancouver Cannots (Canucks) game. Well, there was two or three minutes there where brief periods of optimism were present. And the rest of it….? All I can say, is I really wonder why more people are not going to Cannots games when I was way up in the upper deck and the tickets only cost $45 each!

Well, I don’t write much here anymore because I think all the good ideas are gone. Actually, I will be trying harder to write more here, its just I get occupied with other things. I have been trying to redesign things, but the features I want, I cant get working just yet.

Soon, I will add yet another boring paper that I have written. This time its on the muscle contractions of a frog leg muscle. WOW!

Today my new years resolution was beaten, and I left it dying at the bottom of the stairs. I hope you’re happy, and you know who you are.

Ohhhhhh. What a wonderful day!

I think that it is only fitting that I have a presentation on Tuesday on something called the “State-trait anxiety inventory”. Fitting because I can’t find anything on it in the library. Now theres anxiety.

Today I had the good fortune to run into someone I hadn’t seen for a long time. In a rare twist of fate, which is contrary to the way these things usually go, she actually recognized me. Usually the people from the past, even two years ago as was the case here, will “pretend” to not recognize me. After a few minutes of awkward conversation, she launches into this enraptured discussion about this new book she bought for a course she is taking. The title, and I swear I am not making this up : Why ALL Men HATE Women. My feeble senses alerted my brain to immediate danger. I wondered aloud if the title was mean in a facetious manner. No, I was assured, with ample example, that this was in fact very serious business. Just watch the smile disappear when you ask a question like that. I then had the dim-witted audacity to point out that, in fact, I did not hate women, have not ever hated a woman, and will very likely never hate a woman. Sure, there may be those from my past who I would wish to avoid, those who I wish I would run into again, and those with whom I unequivocally always disagree, but none of whom I hate.

This is where it got interesting.

Now, this is a person who knew me pretty well, and I have not, to my estimation, changed much for the worse in these past few years. She agreed with my statement of the non hatred thing. I suggested that then, the title was in fact, somewhat confounding. For a principle that you so strongly believe in, you have just agreed that there are examples to the contrary. I expected a response such as : “There are exceptions to every rule.” Instead, the response I got was, though intended to be a complement, was sort of a backhanded one.

“Ohhhh, Mike”, she exclaimed. “You are not, like, a man!

After demanding an explanation, I was assured that this was definitely meant to be a compliment. An assurance that she believed that I did not fit into the category of women-hating men. However, in order to do this, she, I suspect, had been trained to then demote me from the category of “man”. Though others may also disagree with her, I would vehemently suggest that this should not be the case.

Though I do not wish to stir the pot further, I think it likely that there will be those out there who will disregard my argument of portraying myself as a non women-hating man. Notice, I have spelt the word woman with an “a”. I was also told today, and have read in the University paper, that it is correct to now spell it womyn. Clearly, this is totally unacceptable by any politically correct, rational person. Yeah, right.

Ahhhh, for the last few days I have been deeply immersed in an activity that I have not indulged in for quite some time. After likewise partaking in this activity, Seinfeld stated that it was : “as good as it gets”! Anybody who watched Seinfeld on television knows what I am talking about. For the rest of you, I think I have finally suffered the last of the effects from what was likely a pretty good case of food poisoning.

So, now that the main event is over, I am left with the aftermath. That same old feeling. I feel like i have been beaten, and my innermost parts and passageways burnt. Anybody who knows what this is like (you know who you are), well, you know what this is like. Last time this happened, I went to the hospital. They tried for a few hours to get the dramatic portion of the phenomenon to cease, and then sent me home, sort of shrugging their shoulders. Excitement. At least then I had 1) someone to drive me to the hospital and 2) other people in the general area. This is one of the two worst parts of living alone. The first is that when you are sick, there is nobody else around. The second is that, even when you aren’t sick, there is nobody else around. At least I pay $450 for the privilege.

I was in the middle of writing a long diatribe about how societies standards of civility are quickly plummeting in the toilet. I was blaming it all on the way families are these days. I was trying out these ideas on my parents this weekend (mistake) and since nobody has finished a sentence in that house since 1984 (didn’t Orwell predict something special for that year), my idea is somewhat incomplete. SO instead, I decided to regale you with tales of how, when you eat poorly prepared food, and then eat way too many jelly beans, you get……… the RAINBOW effect. Sorry.

What is all this with the “super”stores that sell everything these days. I seriously wonder about the trend towards the aircraft hanger style of retail. Did they figure that, if the store happens to go bankrupt, at least they could open up an international airport later on? Sure, these stores have everything (usually) but can you actually find it? The aisles are numbered, which really helps doesn’t it? The only thing those numbers aid you in is finding your way back to the area code from which you came. Who is the person who designed the first one of these things? I really want to know what his parents were like in order to produce offspring that would later unleash this manner of demented lunacy. I’ll bet they had the kind of parent that would actually keep track of how long a 100 hour light built actually stayed lit. I really can’t go anywhere else with this, and I want to stop before this gets too cathartic.

I have decided that it is time for all of you to finally turn OFF your Christmas lights. I have also realized that all the recents updates that I made to this page were placed in the wrong folder. Some of all this space was changed around, and I forgot that later. Ooops. Since none of this stuff was really date specific, I will put it up some other day, and probably write it all a little better. Just be thankful what I wrote on New Years eve wasn’t actually displayed here. I got a little angry.I am back at school for another semester. Even though I made damn sure that my Psychology 306 class did not have a presentation involved, it in fact does. It seems that I am trapped, and even though I asked ahead of time, it did little good. Oh well I suppose that I will manage to survive. I am also taking BISC 307 (Animal Physiology laboratory), BISC 337 (Plant Biology), and Biochemisty. Should be a rather difficult semester, but it beats languishing in a large number of psychology classes with little to do.

Tonight, lacking anything particularly interesting to do, I ventured yet again into the wilds of North Vancouver. This was originally supposed to be an attempt to play pool. Now, having made the decision to play some pool, one has to find a pool hall. Couldn’t find one for a long time, a reason for this was probably the fact that I refused to look one up in the phone book, assuming that I would find one – just around the corner. Well, I quickly got bored of playing pool anyway, and ended up just driving up around Lynn Valley, and then up in the hills way above West Vancouver – all the time looking for Christmas lights. At least they were a little easier to find than the damn pool hall. I also attempted to go to a movie in North van, but it was sold out. Guess that what I get for going on a Saturday night. Usually, going to a movie, I go on a weekday afternoon, because the theatres are empty and I can sit wherever I want.

Going from Coquitlam to West Van, and back again, I ran into no less than three “Have you been drinking tonight sir”? road checks. At least this time they didn’t even pull me off the side to investigate the blind that shields the back of my car from curious onlookers. Of course, I hadn’t been drinking, and in fact, haven’t since New Years Eve. This is probably why I get so bored sitting at home. Perhaps I should stand.

Its been a really long time since I wrote anything here. The predominant reason for this is that I have been knee deep into too many exams to properly navigate without some sort of cognitive damage. So, as a cost, the writing here has suffered, actually disappearing entirely. I am sure that there are those out there, especially that one person in Australia (you know who you are, if in fact you still read this…) who would actually cheer this absence of words. Anyway, I digress from the point that I never had in the first place.

Suffice to say that the exams have been rather brutal, which is what I get for taking science. Organic chemistry was my first exam, and it was the most I have ever studied for one test in my life. This was largely due to some sort of strange motivation to do well, and not because it was the most difficult test I have ever taken. However, the results were not all that stellar, and I am not sure that all the studying I did in the entire week before the exam was really worth it. The animal physiology (Bisc 305) exam went much better, which was rather invigorating after doing so badly and feeling despair during organic chemistry.

It seems that I never hear anything on the news these days that have to do with new discoveries in science or other parts of life that I do not question. I am always being told of really good things that are apparently happening, but I am too cynical to believe. Those things that seem really bad, I don’t believe either. It looks like I’ll have to have to stop questioning long enough to actually trust something. Answers are out there. Aren’t they?

So the rest of this exam period will be spent studying for my last exam, which is Environmental Toxicology. The thing that scares me is that this exam doesn’t’ scare me. It should be interesting. So then, the problem turns to what to do for the next many weeks. Sure, Christmas is in two weeks, but that is usually, well, not bad but just not too fulfilling. The things is nice, but it just seems that it is like just about any other day at my parents house. I wonder what will happen this year, as they haven’t done any decorating (which is unheard of so late in the month) or any of the normal pre-Christmas activities. As I no longer live with them (thank goodness!) I, of course, don’t have all the information. Its just that things are, lacking in normal intensity, which, granted is usually at a very low level anyway. Hmmm. This is coming from the high school kid who hated weekends because that would mean two whole days of NOTHING. The real problem is that not much of that has changed, and without school, there is an absence of anything wavering from the line of monotone. I guess that I need a hobby, which seems an “old-person” word, and I am starting to feel the part.

I think that its time to go, things might start to get a little cathartic here, and nobody wants that.

All that I really want to know is why it seems so difficult to coordinate more than two people. What I am referring to, of course, is the phenomenon of the often futile attempt to get… say… around 6 people together for dinner or ANY event. I remember a few years ago, in an event that seems typical of the overall situation. We were all trying to get together, after school, for dinner…. somewhere. Sometimes, the most difficult part is ok, what are we going to do (now that we have decided that we are going to do something). So we decided to go for dinner. What eventually happened was, two of the eight got lost, three of the six went to the wrong restaurant, me and whatshername got to the right place, on time, but nobody else showed up. The other guy finally did show, but he left to find the others. In a city that is usually difficult. It took two hours after our original meeting time to finally corral everything and get them in the right place. Whew.

My point here is that, no matter how well an event is planned, everything will go to pieces. Nobody knows exactly why this is, but Murphy’s law has at least something to do with it. So for tomorrow, as I go to meet an undetermined amount of people in order to study (sorry… not something that exciting), who know what will happen. Some will go to the wrong place, others will think its the different day, and……..

So lately Ive just been screwing around with animations on this page. I took most of them out, because the thing just became alive and it was detracting from any sort of concentration someone could have when reading the words. Oh well, however, some of them still are in the “chaos” section. This is a section I leave for experiments, and assorted junk that won’t fit anywhere else (or there for that matter). Well, I was only going to update this page when I had something real to say, this attempt seems to have failed, so I’ll try again later. If the words don’t come, they just don’t come.