CONDIMENT INTELLIGENCE
The other day I was washing dishes, and I heard a distinct sneeze emanate from the fridge. Naturally curious, I flung open the door and scrutinized the various food items. After a few seconds, the ketchup began screaming : “The Mayonnaise did it, the Mayonnaise did it”!
To this day, I have not been able to coax the Mayonnaise to do or say anything, and have naturally concluded that the sneeze was a product of my own imagination.
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THE BANK
Customer goes to the bank in order to get some blank cheques. Usually, this comes up every 6 months or so because rent is paid by cheque, and the bank usually will only give half a dozen of them.
At the counter (after 15 minute wait because there is only on teller open):
Customer: “I’d like to get some temporary cheques please. I don’t have my “passbook” but I do have my “client card”. Bank Teller: . “You should really order some real ones”!
Customer: “I would but I don’t write that many cheques”.
Bank Teller: “You can get a package of around 20 billion cheques for only 20 dollars” (not including service fees)
-The teller then shows customer some samples – things like clowns with balloons, kittens with yarn, colored stripes, pictures of people doing things (sorry, not interesting things)…. you get the idea.-
Customer: “Well, I would spend the 20 dollars to get cheques I don’t need, but I’ll have to get that picture of Norman Rockwell beating a child in the background”.
-It should be noted that this was not really said, but this customer was just wishing he could get his damn temp cheques!-
Customer: “I can’t get permanent cheques because I move a lot”.
-please forgive the customer for this complete lie-
At this point the teller was no doubt thinking….. cheap bastard.
The Teller then shuffles off and gets the damn cheques, but only after chatting up “Shirley” the business load wench for about five minutes on the merits of margarine over butter.
The customer is not amused
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THERE IS NO REAL REASON FOR IT, THAT IS JUST THE WAY THAT IT IS
Steve (names have been changed to protect the guilty) signs out a library book from the Burnaby Cement University (BCU – so named due to the concrete bunker architecture, although sometimes mispronounced SFU). He notices that the book is due on the March 12, 1999. On March 4, Steve receives a letter informing him that this book is overdue, and the overdue fines are currently at 4 dollars. Since this letter was sent many days prior to Steve actually receiving the letter, the fines are in actuality much greater than that. So that evening, at BCU, Steve goes to the library, throws his book down the chute where books are usually returned, and goes to the counter to pay his fees.
Steve : “This is my library card and I would like to pay my overdue fine”.
Behind the counter person: “Where is the book that is late”?
Steve : “I threw it down the hole”.
Behind the counter person: “The hole”? Steve : “The book return hole”.
-Steve couldn’t think of what else to call it-
Behind the counter person: “You had better hope that the second floor staff get to it in time so that you don’t have to pay late fees for tomorrow too!”
Steve : “Why would you fine me if I already returned the book”.
Behind the counter person: “You are supposed to return the book to the counter”!
Steve : “How am I supposed to know this”?
Behind the counter person: “I don’t know… its just the way that its done”.
-Steve always finds it extremely frustrating when people admit that a system is flawed and that Steve was in no way at fault, but still pays the consequences-
Steve : ” I have a book at home that is due today, of which I was going to renew online tonight”.
Behind the counter person: Since you didn’t return the overdue book to me, rather, you threw it down the hole, your library privileges are suspended and you cannot renew the other book.
-Steve noted with some satisfaction that she referred to it as the “hole” as well-
Steve : “But then that book will be overdue as well!”
Behind the counter person: “Well, you could go home and bring it back”?
Steve thinks that this really sucks. First of all, the original due date was the 12th of March, not the 4th. What occurred was that someone else requested the book, and the normal 3 week loan period was cut back severely. The library, of course, informs students of such things via the postal service, which is obviously quicker and more reliable than email or a phone call.
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IT IS TIME TO RENEW THE LOXAPINE OR CLOZAPINE PRESCRIPTION
The other day, I was hungry, which in itself was not out of the ordinary. I, being rather lazy when making food for myself, went to a fast food place for some burgers (drive through). I had this local talk radio show on the radio. Unfortunately, the topic was concerning the intense outrage and pain that a few men were going through concerning the fact that they had been circumcised at birth. Apparently, and i will not go into detail, these guys were so traumatized and adamant that they were wronged that they were using stretching tape and weights in some combination to stretch things down there. After two years,this would be remedied. This is not so much the issue, and is not really much that I want to discuss.
So while at the drive through, after ordering, and after responding appropriately to the drive through woman’s : “now you drive around” instructions, I was sitting at the window, waiting to pay. I had my window open, and my radio on (which I normally don’t do at a drive through (the radio)). Well apparently this woman heard the topic on the radio and was not amused.
Drive through “woman”: “You turn off smut radio or I no service you”.
Me: “Whaaaaaaaat”?
Drive through “woman”: “Smut radio”. “I no listen to eroticize tape when servicing you”. “Take your smut tape to other place”.
Me: “Whaaaaaaaat”?
At this point she left from sight, and some other woman came to the window. I tried, once again, to give her my money.
Drive through person number 2: Whats the problem here?
Me: I ordered two single cheeseburgers. Here is 10 dollars.
Well, basically the first drive through person never reappeared, and I got my cheeseburgers. I am still confused as to how words such as “circumcision” were instantly translated as “smut”, “eroticize tape”, and ultimately, “I no service you”. Perhaps there was simply a language barrier, but I think that really there was something more, do you?