I firmly believe in the existence Murphy’s Law. What can go wrong, will. Well, not so much do I believe in it as a way of life but it seems to pertain to me on many occasions. Murphy has even, in the past, been my nickname. A guy at work refers to it as my “condition”. Still, when things happen, things governed under Murphy’s Law, Im not really surprised. Well, not most of the time. So lets review how my my trip to UnSafewayTM went on Monday. Nothing out of the ordinary happened until I attempted to leave the store, something that I have been doing with a high degree of success for quite some time. The rent-a-cop, however, decided to thwart the attempt on this occasion.
So the security rent-a-cop person accused me of shoplifting. I protested. They insisted on searching my bag (where I was said to have stashed the stolen bounty during a stroll up the aisle). I told them they had no right to do so, and that if they really wanted to, they had better call someone with the proper jurisdiction. I now regret my belligerent attitude, but the rent-a-cop was rather rude and if he had the power at the time, I would probably have been publicly hanged without a trial – right there in the UnSafewayTM parking lot. Well, maybe not – might be bad for business. So, while waiting for the people with the proper jurisdiction, and enduring the less than amicable conversation while waiting – I asked what they thought I stole and was spiriting away in my schoolbag. Condoms. Of course! And, as is naturally the case in such circumstances, the word was used frequently, and in my opinion, in a much louder manner than the words surrounding it in the rent-a-cops “sentences”. It couldn’t have been carrots or cookies or ground beef or something could it? It had to be condoms that I was accused of stealing. I guess it could have been worse, there could have been a home enema kit involved, if such a thing even exists. So the authorities that have bag searching power under my rules, searched my bag. No condoms (you didn’t think I was guilty did you???). It was pointed out that I should probably just let the “overzealous security” search my bag next time – just to avoid the inevitable pain in the ass (unrelated to any strip search) when they call my bluff.
So I thought that was all there was to it. Nope. The damn security guard had wanted to search ME, my person, my pockets etc. Luckily, a strip search was not necessary – and even the authority in the matter of searching rejected this as a necessary option. Rent-a-cop wasn’t convinced. It should be fun next time I want to go buy carrots, cookies, or ground beef at UnSafewayTM again…..! Hey – remember me? I’m the condom stealer – and I got AWAY WITH IT AHAHAHAAHAHA!!!
I would now like to take the opportunity at this point in time to point out that it is April Fool’s Day, and that the above scribbling was the result of an attempt to completely fake an entry. Lame, I realize, but what the hell – I actually updated the site!!!
Still, to anyone who has read this site, or know of my “condition” – it is a completely plausible story. This is the kind of thing that would happen to me, although I’d probably just let the bastards look through my damn bag to avoid the trouble and attention given to a police intervention situation.