Looking for apartments always sucks. It always has for me at least. After the initial pay off of actually finding a habitable place, one has the joy of packing, moving, and then unpacking. There are just so many ads that sound promising, but in reality they are dirt infested rat holes. Sometimes literally. So I’ve come across a great number of crappy places to live over the years, but its important to realize that even when you get a good first impression, that can turn quickly towards the strange and bizarre as well.

So I’m looking at this apartment thats being sublet or something. Its nice – its not huge, but I’m used to living in a storage closet anyway, so no big deal. Bachelor – why would I need a separate bedroom? Kitchen with appliances that are not avocado or gold in color (unlike my last two places). White or cream would be nice. The 70’s are over. No, really. While I may be a product of the 70’s, this doesn’t mean I identify with those years, or the silly pants. The woman showing it appears nice. I check out the cable and phone lines – quite often they are not there even though they are advertised. They are there. Not that I think I’d use a phone line – its the cell phone age now, and why pay Telus 40 bucks a month for the few calls I make when I can use my cell (currently 10 bucks a month or so… but I also don’t use it for calls often yet). She asks why Im checking out how many cable lines there are… I respond “Need one for the tv and the other for the internet”. Then all hell breaks loose. Internet = faux pas.

“WHAT!!!!! You can’t have internet in here!”

Naturally, I’m puzzled… and she was angry, I don’t mean angry like someone just set fire to your waffle, I mean ANGRY like someone just insulted every guiding principle in your life – like your love of pickles or something. You know, the serious stuff.

“I need the internet – I communicate with some friends, do research and I build websites – sometimes for money!.”

No!!!! The internet is for pornography and horrible videos of people dying”

She got off on a really good rant too – I was almost proud of her – it was a truly great rant. One of those things that is a shame to not have recorded. She did it with hand waving, however, but I give those points back for the lack of spitting. Or foaming, though it would have been situationally appropriate in her state of mind..

So what did we learn?

1. The internet is the source of everything bad and evil.
2. Only people sexually out of control use the internet – and then only for sexually out of control things. Lots of flapping and dripping naughty bits and stuff of that sort.
3. If you happen to NOT be a sexually out of control individual using the internet for sexually out of control things – you are using it to view videos of people dying or being murdered or other things that can only be labeled as “non-Christian” or otherwise lacking integrity. Odd, since I saw a perfectly good video of people blowing up watermelons the other day… doesn’t seem to fit either category for me, perhaps I should have brought that up. Of course, there is the potential for sexually out of control people to blow up sexually out of control watermelons, thus killing those watermelons dead. I stand corrected, sorry, I don’t know what I was thinking, I shouldn’t even have mentioned it. Strike the sexually out of control watermelons.
4. For even wanting to view the horrible things on the internet I must clearly be lacking in moral fibre and am one step away from going straight to hell. I checked http://www.hell.com – and it doesn’t even allow access via web browser! Clearly I’m not going to hell, it doesn’t like the internet either, though the initial graphic is intriguing.
5. People are crazy. Waffle burning, batshit crazy. Strike that, this is “what did we learn”… not “what did we already know”. Sorry.

At any rate, after all this was over and my counterargument sort of fizzled (major tactical error in remarking on how I have never build a pornography website – despite having the opportunity on occasion)… I was ushered out of the apartment. What happens to the next guy or gal who doesn’t happen to scrutinize the locations of the cable outlets? What if they move in without suffering the joys of the Anti Internet Neo-Luddite Brigade (AINLB) rantings? Can you imagine what it would be like if she caught you hooking up the internet. Could be a very interesting 911 call.

I have to go, my waffle is still on fire.

This entry was posted on Tuesday, November 20th, 2007 at 8:26 pm and is filed under Crazyness, Rant. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.