Just be thankful you are getting any update at all, since I have two papers due tomorrow and three exams in the next week.

Introducing the new Bio-Optic Organized Knowledge device, trade-named BOOK.

BOOK is a revolutionary breakthrough in technology: no wires, no electric circuits, no batteries, nothing to be connected or switched on. It’s so easy to use, even a child can operate it.

Compact and portable, it can be used anywhere — even sitting in an armchair by the fire — yet it is powerful enough to hold as much information as a CD-ROM disc.

Here’s how it works:

BOOK is constructed of sequentially numbered sheets of paper (recyclable), each capable of holding thousands of bits of information. The pages are locked together with a custom-fit device called a binder which keeps the sheets in their correct sequence.

Opaque Paper Technology (OPT) allows manufacturers to use both sides of the sheet, doubling the information density and cutting costs. Experts are divided on the prospects for further increases in information density; for now, BOOKS with more information simply use more pages. Each sheet is scanned optically, registering information directly into your brain. A flick of the finger takes you to the next sheet.

BOOK may be taken up at any time and used merely by opening it.

BOOK never crashes or requires rebooting, though, like other devices, it can become damaged if coffee is spilled on it and it becomes unusable if dropped too many times on a hard surface. The “browse” feature allows you to move instantly to any sheet, and move forward or backward as you wish. Many come with an “index” feature, which pin-points the exact location of any selected information for instant retrieval.

An optional “BOOKmark” accessory allows you to open BOOK to the exact place you left it in a previous session — even if the BOOK has been closed. BOOKmarks fit universal design standards; thus, a single BOOKmark can be used in BOOKs by various manufacturers. Conversely, numerous BOOK Markers can be used in a single BOOK if the user wants to store numerous views at once. The number is limited only by the number of pages in the BOOK.

You can also make personal notes next to BOOK text entries with optional programming tools, Portable Erasable Nib Cryptic Intercommunication Language Styli (PENCILS).

Portable, durable, and affordable, BOOK is being hailed as a precursor of a new entertainment wave. BOOK’s appeal seems so certain that thousands of content creators have committed to the platform and investors are reportedly flocking to invest. Look for a flood of new titles soon.

–Robert J. Beck

Yesterday, I believed that I may have come up with a good idea, or at least an interesting observation. I wondered why there are not overflow drains on kitchen sinks, yet there are always such drains on bathroom sinks and bathtubs? Doesn’t ANYBODY think having these would be a good idea? I mean, I am in much greater danger of overflowing the kitchen sink than the other ones. Apparently though, and I have run this past numerous people, this is a really stupid idea. Nobody has really suggested why this is a stupid idea, but the vote has so far been unanimous. Why??? Isn’t this at least a partially good concept? I just don’t understand. Perhaps it was the source of the idea that was the problem. Oh well, back to thinking…..

So why do I have to play my rented video tape at room temperature? Isn’t it always room temperature?

Ok boys and girls, todays lesson is in the phenomenon known as BUREAUCRACY

Thats right. Every University administration’s favourite pastime is getting students lost in a load of paperwork that nobody knows what to do with, other than send you to someone else who also wont know what to do with it.

So here is the story. I’ll start at the beginning, which you might know is rare for me. I was registering for some courses for this summer – 329 Biology (Experimental techniques) and 333 Biology (Developmental biology). I noticed far too late that there was a prerequisite for 329 that I didn’t have. NO problem I though, I’ll just get the instructor to sign a form, after I explain that it is inhumane to make civilized persons like myself to take physics. Actually, this was not the argument that I used, but that I planned to take it later, and that I couldn’t fit it into any previous semester. So after a week of trying to track down the instructor that the timetable said was teaching it this summer, it turns out that this was a “misprint”. Well, I finally did get hold of the instructor that teaches 329 this summer, but after a week of trying to do so. He signed the form very promptly, after only 4 more days of delay (not his fault, to be honest).

Now I was left with attempting to sign up for 333. NO problem right? Turns out that the two lab sections for 329 that did not conflict, were either full already or were cancelled outright by the department. Oh GOOOD! So now, before I could arrange registration for 333, I had to get a waiver form in order to enrol in 2 courses that have a time conflict. Piece of cake right? Well, the timetable said that there was a sessional teaching it in the summer (which means they haven’t hired anybody yet). I went to the biology department advisor who told me that a Dr. Anderson was teaching it this summer. So after another week I managed to track down Dr. Anderson (he didn’t answer my email and only had office hours on Tuesday morning (this is now a Thursday morning). So today ( a Tuesday) I finally talked to Dr. Anderson. I knew there was a problem when I asked him to sign my form for 333 and he gave me this look like I had just asked something inappropriate of him. Turns out he doesn’t teach 333 this summer, and never applied for the job. Back to the “advisor” who apologized and said that she had “heard” that Anderson was teaching 333, but wasn’t really sure. She could have looked it up and saved me a week. So she did look it up, and couldn’t give me an answer, and admitted it this time. She referred me to the head of the biology department. So today, I finally found the head of the department. She told me that somebody with the last name of Sorus taught the course. He couldn’t give me a lab or room number, and said that she might sign my conflict form. He suggested I asked the biology general office in order to find her room number. Biology general office had no clue, and referred me to Mrs. Fox who was in charge of such things, and hiring sessionals etc. I finally tracked her down at 5:00 PM. She told me that Sorus couldn’t sign my form because, while she had applied for the job, she hadn’t been hired yet. She referred me to someone whose office was empty – I mean no furniture, nothing! So back to her office, where she referred me someone called Medford, whose reputation precedes him, which was not a good thing.

So how many people is that? I have been bounced around from persons who don’t’ exist, to persons who lost their brains, to persons who give an answer even though they don’t know the correct one, to persons who don’t want to help me. Medford needed real convincing to sign my form, but he did in the end. Actually, I lied and said that I couldn’t take this course in the fall (I don’t’ even know if I could or not).

Now I am registered in 333 and 329. I need to sign up for another course still. Im sure that there is an adventure in that one too!

CONDIMENT INTELLIGENCE

The other day I was washing dishes, and I heard a distinct sneeze emanate from the fridge. Naturally curious, I flung open the door and scrutinized the various food items. After a few seconds, the ketchup began screaming : “The Mayonnaise did it, the Mayonnaise did it”!

To this day, I have not been able to coax the Mayonnaise to do or say anything, and have naturally concluded that the sneeze was a product of my own imagination.

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THE BANK

Customer goes to the bank in order to get some blank cheques. Usually, this comes up every 6 months or so because rent is paid by cheque, and the bank usually will only give half a dozen of them.

At the counter (after 15 minute wait because there is only on teller open):

Customer: “I’d like to get some temporary cheques please. I don’t have my “passbook” but I do have my “client card”. Bank Teller: . “You should really order some real ones”!

Customer: “I would but I don’t write that many cheques”.
Bank Teller: “You can get a package of around 20 billion cheques for only 20 dollars” (not including service fees)

-The teller then shows customer some samples – things like clowns with balloons, kittens with yarn, colored stripes, pictures of people doing things (sorry, not interesting things)…. you get the idea.-

Customer: “Well, I would spend the 20 dollars to get cheques I don’t need, but I’ll have to get that picture of Norman Rockwell beating a child in the background”.

-It should be noted that this was not really said, but this customer was just wishing he could get his damn temp cheques!-

Customer: “I can’t get permanent cheques because I move a lot”.

-please forgive the customer for this complete lie-
At this point the teller was no doubt thinking….. cheap bastard.

The Teller then shuffles off and gets the damn cheques, but only after chatting up “Shirley” the business load wench for about five minutes on the merits of margarine over butter.

The customer is not amused

———————————————————————————————————
THERE IS NO REAL REASON FOR IT, THAT IS JUST THE WAY THAT IT IS

Steve (names have been changed to protect the guilty) signs out a library book from the Burnaby Cement University (BCU – so named due to the concrete bunker architecture, although sometimes mispronounced SFU). He notices that the book is due on the March 12, 1999. On March 4, Steve receives a letter informing him that this book is overdue, and the overdue fines are currently at 4 dollars. Since this letter was sent many days prior to Steve actually receiving the letter, the fines are in actuality much greater than that. So that evening, at BCU, Steve goes to the library, throws his book down the chute where books are usually returned, and goes to the counter to pay his fees.

Steve : “This is my library card and I would like to pay my overdue fine”.
Behind the counter person: “Where is the book that is late”?

Steve : “I threw it down the hole”.
Behind the counter person: “The hole”? Steve : “The book return hole”.

-Steve couldn’t think of what else to call it-

Behind the counter person: “You had better hope that the second floor staff get to it in time so that you don’t have to pay late fees for tomorrow too!”

Steve : “Why would you fine me if I already returned the book”.
Behind the counter person: “You are supposed to return the book to the counter”!

Steve : “How am I supposed to know this”?
Behind the counter person: “I don’t know… its just the way that its done”.

-Steve always finds it extremely frustrating when people admit that a system is flawed and that Steve was in no way at fault, but still pays the consequences-

Steve : ” I have a book at home that is due today, of which I was going to renew online tonight”.
Behind the counter person: Since you didn’t return the overdue book to me, rather, you threw it down the hole, your library privileges are suspended and you cannot renew the other book.

-Steve noted with some satisfaction that she referred to it as the “hole” as well-

Steve : “But then that book will be overdue as well!”
Behind the counter person: “Well, you could go home and bring it back”?

Steve thinks that this really sucks. First of all, the original due date was the 12th of March, not the 4th. What occurred was that someone else requested the book, and the normal 3 week loan period was cut back severely. The library, of course, informs students of such things via the postal service, which is obviously quicker and more reliable than email or a phone call.

———————————————————————————————————
IT IS TIME TO RENEW THE LOXAPINE OR CLOZAPINE PRESCRIPTION

The other day, I was hungry, which in itself was not out of the ordinary. I, being rather lazy when making food for myself, went to a fast food place for some burgers (drive through). I had this local talk radio show on the radio. Unfortunately, the topic was concerning the intense outrage and pain that a few men were going through concerning the fact that they had been circumcised at birth. Apparently, and i will not go into detail, these guys were so traumatized and adamant that they were wronged that they were using stretching tape and weights in some combination to stretch things down there. After two years,this would be remedied. This is not so much the issue, and is not really much that I want to discuss.

So while at the drive through, after ordering, and after responding appropriately to the drive through woman’s : “now you drive around” instructions, I was sitting at the window, waiting to pay. I had my window open, and my radio on (which I normally don’t do at a drive through (the radio)). Well apparently this woman heard the topic on the radio and was not amused.

Drive through “woman”: “You turn off smut radio or I no service you”.
Me: “Whaaaaaaaat”?

Drive through “woman”: “Smut radio”. “I no listen to eroticize tape when servicing you”. “Take your smut tape to other place”.
Me: “Whaaaaaaaat”?

At this point she left from sight, and some other woman came to the window. I tried, once again, to give her my money.

Drive through person number 2: Whats the problem here?
Me: I ordered two single cheeseburgers. Here is 10 dollars.

Well, basically the first drive through person never reappeared, and I got my cheeseburgers. I am still confused as to how words such as “circumcision” were instantly translated as “smut”, “eroticize tape”, and ultimately, “I no service you”. Perhaps there was simply a language barrier, but I think that really there was something more, do you?

Today I went to the bank. Fifteen people in line. One teller open. You fill in the rest of the story.

On Sunday night I went to a Vancouver Cannots (Canucks) game. Well, there was two or three minutes there where brief periods of optimism were present. And the rest of it….? All I can say, is I really wonder why more people are not going to Cannots games when I was way up in the upper deck and the tickets only cost $45 each!

Well, I don’t write much here anymore because I think all the good ideas are gone. Actually, I will be trying harder to write more here, its just I get occupied with other things. I have been trying to redesign things, but the features I want, I cant get working just yet.

Soon, I will add yet another boring paper that I have written. This time its on the muscle contractions of a frog leg muscle. WOW!

Today my new years resolution was beaten, and I left it dying at the bottom of the stairs. I hope you’re happy, and you know who you are.

Ohhhhhh. What a wonderful day!

I think that it is only fitting that I have a presentation on Tuesday on something called the “State-trait anxiety inventory”. Fitting because I can’t find anything on it in the library. Now theres anxiety.

Today I had the good fortune to run into someone I hadn’t seen for a long time. In a rare twist of fate, which is contrary to the way these things usually go, she actually recognized me. Usually the people from the past, even two years ago as was the case here, will “pretend” to not recognize me. After a few minutes of awkward conversation, she launches into this enraptured discussion about this new book she bought for a course she is taking. The title, and I swear I am not making this up : Why ALL Men HATE Women. My feeble senses alerted my brain to immediate danger. I wondered aloud if the title was mean in a facetious manner. No, I was assured, with ample example, that this was in fact very serious business. Just watch the smile disappear when you ask a question like that. I then had the dim-witted audacity to point out that, in fact, I did not hate women, have not ever hated a woman, and will very likely never hate a woman. Sure, there may be those from my past who I would wish to avoid, those who I wish I would run into again, and those with whom I unequivocally always disagree, but none of whom I hate.

This is where it got interesting.

Now, this is a person who knew me pretty well, and I have not, to my estimation, changed much for the worse in these past few years. She agreed with my statement of the non hatred thing. I suggested that then, the title was in fact, somewhat confounding. For a principle that you so strongly believe in, you have just agreed that there are examples to the contrary. I expected a response such as : “There are exceptions to every rule.” Instead, the response I got was, though intended to be a complement, was sort of a backhanded one.

“Ohhhh, Mike”, she exclaimed. “You are not, like, a man!

After demanding an explanation, I was assured that this was definitely meant to be a compliment. An assurance that she believed that I did not fit into the category of women-hating men. However, in order to do this, she, I suspect, had been trained to then demote me from the category of “man”. Though others may also disagree with her, I would vehemently suggest that this should not be the case.

Though I do not wish to stir the pot further, I think it likely that there will be those out there who will disregard my argument of portraying myself as a non women-hating man. Notice, I have spelt the word woman with an “a”. I was also told today, and have read in the University paper, that it is correct to now spell it womyn. Clearly, this is totally unacceptable by any politically correct, rational person. Yeah, right.

Ahhhh, for the last few days I have been deeply immersed in an activity that I have not indulged in for quite some time. After likewise partaking in this activity, Seinfeld stated that it was : “as good as it gets”! Anybody who watched Seinfeld on television knows what I am talking about. For the rest of you, I think I have finally suffered the last of the effects from what was likely a pretty good case of food poisoning.

So, now that the main event is over, I am left with the aftermath. That same old feeling. I feel like i have been beaten, and my innermost parts and passageways burnt. Anybody who knows what this is like (you know who you are), well, you know what this is like. Last time this happened, I went to the hospital. They tried for a few hours to get the dramatic portion of the phenomenon to cease, and then sent me home, sort of shrugging their shoulders. Excitement. At least then I had 1) someone to drive me to the hospital and 2) other people in the general area. This is one of the two worst parts of living alone. The first is that when you are sick, there is nobody else around. The second is that, even when you aren’t sick, there is nobody else around. At least I pay $450 for the privilege.

I was in the middle of writing a long diatribe about how societies standards of civility are quickly plummeting in the toilet. I was blaming it all on the way families are these days. I was trying out these ideas on my parents this weekend (mistake) and since nobody has finished a sentence in that house since 1984 (didn’t Orwell predict something special for that year), my idea is somewhat incomplete. SO instead, I decided to regale you with tales of how, when you eat poorly prepared food, and then eat way too many jelly beans, you get……… the RAINBOW effect. Sorry.

What is all this with the “super”stores that sell everything these days. I seriously wonder about the trend towards the aircraft hanger style of retail. Did they figure that, if the store happens to go bankrupt, at least they could open up an international airport later on? Sure, these stores have everything (usually) but can you actually find it? The aisles are numbered, which really helps doesn’t it? The only thing those numbers aid you in is finding your way back to the area code from which you came. Who is the person who designed the first one of these things? I really want to know what his parents were like in order to produce offspring that would later unleash this manner of demented lunacy. I’ll bet they had the kind of parent that would actually keep track of how long a 100 hour light built actually stayed lit. I really can’t go anywhere else with this, and I want to stop before this gets too cathartic.

I have decided that it is time for all of you to finally turn OFF your Christmas lights. I have also realized that all the recents updates that I made to this page were placed in the wrong folder. Some of all this space was changed around, and I forgot that later. Ooops. Since none of this stuff was really date specific, I will put it up some other day, and probably write it all a little better. Just be thankful what I wrote on New Years eve wasn’t actually displayed here. I got a little angry.I am back at school for another semester. Even though I made damn sure that my Psychology 306 class did not have a presentation involved, it in fact does. It seems that I am trapped, and even though I asked ahead of time, it did little good. Oh well I suppose that I will manage to survive. I am also taking BISC 307 (Animal Physiology laboratory), BISC 337 (Plant Biology), and Biochemisty. Should be a rather difficult semester, but it beats languishing in a large number of psychology classes with little to do.