So I wander into my local footlong custom made sandwich making place. You know the one – with the ugly yellow interior and furnishing draped in the usual adornment of bored teenagers and old folks who look like they are feeling as though its simply nice to be out. It is Sunday, and on Sunday they have this deal where you get your second footlong custom made sandwich for free – if you buy a drink (the catch). So we went through the usual game of “i want this kind of bread” and “sorry – we are out of that kind of bread – pick another” followed by “ok then – i want that kind of bread” and once again “sorry – we are out of that kind of bread – pick another”. Fine. So then we get into the usual argument of “NO – really – I DO want more sauce than that! LOTS of sauce. More sauce!” I like a lot of sauce – they usually balk at that – maybe there is a sandwich weight limit I'm violating or something. Hey – you're an “artist” – can't you just add more stinking sauce? So we shuffle along the line, doing the usual condiment dance and get the the cash register. At this point, I tried something new. Usually I provide a debit card that isn't acceptable to their machine, yet works everywhere else. This time, I tried a different move – the UnreasonableRequestTM. The deal was: Buy one foot long, get your second free with a medium drink. So asked that since I had absolutely NO use for a drink at this point in time – if I could simply pay for it and get the deal and forgo the hassle of corralling an unwanted, poorly mixed carbonated beverage during the drive home. Nope – the “artist” couldn't be that accommodating. Sorry – we don't' do that. Then, as is my usual mistake (much like the onion ring incident) I attempted to reason with the “artist”.
Consumer: “I don't WANT the drink – so whats the difference if I pay for it, forgo having to drink something I don't want – or throwing it down a drain somewhere”?
BreadWrangler: “We can't do that – you have to buy a drink!
Consumer: “But I'd be PAYING for it – whats the difference?”
BreadWrangler: “We can't do that – the deal is you have to buy a drink.”
I was getting nowhere
Consumer: “Sigh…. so you'd rather I take the drink that I don't want and pour it down a drain than pay for a drink and walk away happy with my sandwiches”?
It was clear that this was what it was going to take – my sandwiches, which I hadn't yet paid for – were sequestered behind the counter out of reach, and unless I took possession of a drink, it seemed I would not get the second one for free. There was no way out – as I went over to fill the damn cup I pointed out that I wouldn't be drinking it – and really they were just wasting it. So I put it down on the table with the bored teenagers who had raptly been watching the proceedings and offered it with my compliments. The “artist” watched disapprovingly. Perhaps she could take comfort in the fact that there was still not enough sauce on my sandwiches. I had needed to make the point that I wasn't going to have the damn drink but as of yet I haven't really come up with a way to have handled it differently. I still don't know why the fuck it mattered that I actually TAKE the drink.
So we'll see if she remembers me NEXT sunday!