I feel obligated to point out a glaring omission in my last update. I should have mentioned that attempting to write four papers in one week should be left up to the professionals. DON’T try this at home! I lost 10 pounds that week, even though my caloric intake remained the same. Wow – screw those new fangled diets like the Atkins diet – writing papers is the way to go for weight loss. Don’t write papers without first being checked out by your doctor! We now return to our irregularly scheduled programming.
The other night I was standing out side the BookBunkerTM at CementLandTM. They have all these cement planters out there, which actually attempts to alleviate the dreariness of the locale, if that were possible. However, at 10 P.M, there were so many rats running from planter to planter, it was hard to count them all. I estimated between 8 and 10 rats, just in that one area. Healthy, fit looking rats too. These fat meaty rats would make a Survivor contestant proud. Today I heard a rumor that they were investigating the possibility of filming the 3rd installment of the Survivor television series at Cement, er… RatLandTM. Even while rumor has it that a contestant nearly died in the currently being filmed Australia version, I suspect that such a location as CementLandTM would be even more mentally arduous. I don’t know what “games” they would make the contestants go through for “immunity” but it would probably be something like being “the one who listens to the teleregistration voice the longest without going nuts”, or the first to actually get a straight answer from the bureaucracy. Of course, it would probably have to air on one of those upper cable channels, because of its disturbing content. Hmmm… the rats have it good methinks.
Ever since I was a kid people have asked me things like: “what are you going to do when you grow up?”. Of course, now the question has evolved into “when are you going to grow up?”. The answer is the same, however, since I don’t care for the question. More frequent recently has been the annoying “what are you going to do when you graduate”. The real answer is: whatever I can. I have never said with certainly about what I want to do when I “grew up” either. Since this usually prompts more interrogation, I have evolved a different response that usually defers the question for a while. Then people start talking of a Masters degree. Sigh.
My recent response (and I realize that it is to a valid question) has been that I want to live in a fridge box on the side of the road. Usually there is a puzzled look which I respond to by saying “Its OK! I already have the box picked out”. Some people play along and ask what I will do about water repellency. This is truly an excellent question, and I would give them points if there were only a point system present. The answer, of course, is lamination.
So imagine, if you are still with me, taking my mighty fridge box down to Staples or some airport hanger equivalent. I haul the thing up to the counter, and announce that I would like it laminated. I express confusion that this sort of thing is not present on the wall price list. What? They don’t laminate boxes? But what am I supposed to do about water repellency? They claim they won’t laminate my beloved fridge box. Sigh.
Then I would point out that I could thwart water infiltration via a tarp. However, I would point out, tarps look TACKY! How am I supposed to ooze style and decorum with an orange or blue tarp over my fridge box? Besides, tarps tend to leak eventually. They don’t have the same water repellent zeal as a laminated piece of corrugated cardboard. There quite simply is nothing more waterproof than a laminated fridge box. Geez! Don’t kids these days learn anything useful in school?
Of course, confronted by such staggeringly powerful logic the simple minds behind the counter at Staples would crumble before my cognitive greatness (they are still probably spinning over attempts to write the number seven properly). Lamination would then occur. Boy would that be a sight to behold – a glistening, freshly laminated fridge box! I could even tack my SFU Biology BSc. and extended Psychology minor inside of it. Then I would just sit and wait for the employers to come a knockin’.
Besides, people are always telling me that during a job search “difference” and “standing out” is generally a good thing. You need to get noticed. Won’t the employers wet themselves with glee when they discover a sturdy chap with a laminated fridge box knocking on their door? Getting noticed is important. This is why I hand out my resume on hunter orange paper – the way to get your resume to stand out! This has been much more successful than the popup resume of a few years back, or the interpretive dance slide show. Its difficult to point out your computer skills with an interpretive dance. If you’ve ever tried it, you know. I never seem to stick the landing.
These seem a little unconventional in the way of tactics don’t they? I know, I get that a lot.
One of my professors routinely starts the class five minutes late. He is a very nice guy but how much valuable instruction time am I being robbed of? Well – I am taking four classes and my tuition is $1045 for his semester. Now, ignoring the effect of recreation and other student fees, this means each class costs $261.25. Since this class is costing me roughly 20 cents per minute of instruction, this five minutes of class wasted means that I am being screwed out of $26.13. Now, someone in my class suggested that we send the SFU administration a bill for this amount. I want my $26.13!! Of course, I think that this might not be looked upon by the administration in the same way that I look at it. It seems unlikely that they will willingly fork over the cash. This IS CementLandTM after all. However, and I am still working out this theory, when I point out the other ways that they have screwed me over I am sure that a mere $26.13 will seem like a bargain. The whole Co-op shenanigans for example. How much do you make during a Co-op semester? I don’t know, but it is more than $26.13 I think. The lies and misinformation I was given by people (presumably well intentioned although…) concerning co-op make me even more earnest in demanding my $26.13 back. Now, of course, I am not serious about actually sending CementLandTM bill for this. They could turn on me and I am sure that the huge CementLandTM monster would crush me in some manner or another. Its just a thought. Maybe I’ll send the bill under another name?
I don’t know if this is true, or an urban legend. At any rate, there was a guy who was taking a final exam up at CementLandTM. The exam ended, and he was still writing. The professor addressed him, and asked him to stop writing. He didn’t – he told him to fuck off. After most of the rest of the class had left, he still had not stopped writing. The professor came up to him, told him to stop writing or he would fail the exam. He did not stop writing. As the professor collected the stack of exams, the guy finally stopped writing. He came up to the front, and asked the professor: “Do you know who I am?”. “No”, the professor said. So the guy stuck his exam in the middle of the stack, and said “Have a nice summer”.
Wish I had the guts to try that. Maybe that sort of gutsy move is something that I can work into my resume?