Last week I had the good fortune to have the opportunity to fail the UnfairCareTM (AirCare) emissions tests for BC vehicles. Now, I am not against emissions testing, rather, far from it. However, having failed this test in the past, I have realized many of its shortcomings and ridiculous mannerisms. Exactly a year ago I failed UnfairCareTM and I had to pay 1200 dollars in order to fix my car to get it to pass again. If you do not pass UnfairCareTM, you are not allowed to insure your vehicle. During the current transit strike, this might not be the best thing to have occur. So I proceeded to the UnfairCareTM testing location.
I was directed to the second lane since the first lane was for four wheel and all wheel drive vehicles (not sure as to the difference but its likely just marketing). While waiting in the second lane (of three), behind eight other cars, I noticed that the third lane was opening up. This was great as I was getting tired of waiting.
So this woman, an UnfairCareTM minion, started to direct the waiting vehicles into the other two lanes. I was directed to the first (the longest line) lane, a direction that I protested.
Me: “No no – I don’t have a four wheel drive”
UnfairCareTM minion: Again – pointing to the first lane
Me: “I don’t have a four wheel drive – its front wheel drive”
UnfairCareTM minion: “Sir – all four wheel drive vehicles need to get tested in the first lane”
Me: “I DON’T HAVE A FOUR WHEEL DRIVE!”
UnfairCareTM minion: “Sir – ALL Subaru vehicles are four wheel drives”
Me: “I HAVE A FRONT WHEEL DRIVE!”
UnfairCareTM minion: (words to the effect of….) “You aren’t going to pull a fast one today – you have a four wheel drive and you need a four wheel drive test”. (she was a tad more rude than that)
With that, she walked away. My protests were ignored and dismissed. So I was left to wait, in the longest line, far behind those who had arrived long after I did, to be tested in the four wheel drive and truck lane with a two wheel drive vehicle. This was more than slightly annoying.
When UnfairCareTM tests your vehicle, they do all kinds of checks on it when you first pull into the building, you pay your 24 dollars, and they wait until the person ahead of you has completed their test. So I asked the second UnfairCareTM minion what the deal was with the first UnfairCareTM minion (I may have used different terminology).
I have a front wheel drive – why was I forced into the four wheel drive lane? You have a Subaru – they are four wheel drives (spoken with a hint of “like duh!” in there) MY Subaru is a front wheel drive!!!!
She was polite and everything, but I still didn’t know why my car had been forced to the infernal first lane. After the testing, I intended to ask the third UnfairCareTM minion, who was administering the tests ahead of the second UnfairCareTM minion. He actually exclaimed extreme surprise that I did not have a four wheel drive vehicle. Did I not know that I was in the four wheel drive lane? Well, no shit. Apparently, however, ALL Subarus have been branded four wheel drives and, even if they are two wheel drives, have to go through the four wheel drive test, even though they cannot complete this test, as they are two wheel drives. Got it? Apparently, this is what the computer says, and this is what the minions do. The third UnfairCareTM minion also pointed out that my car couldn’t go through the four wheel drive test, as it was a two wheel drive. Well, no shit.
If my car had not passed the testing I would have truly flipped out. As it was, it passed with flying colors, a fact I was extremely pleased about especially since we had stayed up all night studying.
The other very serious subject matter that I would like to discuss with you is the folding of burritos. For the uninitiated this task can be quite frustrating. So imagine my consternation when I could not remember exactly how to wrap the little bastards. As dictated by my own personal version of Murphy’s Law, this ineptitude was conducted before ample witnesses. I just couldn’t fold the damn thing, and I put way too much stuff into it. It tasted great, but the ingredients inside found their way out of their floury “integument” and deployed in various directions onto the plate. I was relegated to eating the whole thing with a knife and a fork. Perhaps I should get some of these things at home for practice purposes?