Lets talk for a minute about answering machines. Once proclaimed as the savior of civilization, these message storing devices are actually going to be the catalyst for societies downfall. Answering are actually on Statistics Canada’s list of the top 50 most dangerous electrical devices in the home (No. 50 on the list).
Annoying eh?
Who wants to talk to a machine? I do that just fine when at the bank machine, and I don’t need one of those at home. When I call someone, I can accept that they aren’t home. I can live with the fact that I might have to call back. Seldom is there anything of such immediate concern that I absolutely NEED to have someone else party to my ramblings on tape. I guess I don’t want to leave behind any tangible evidence of my vocal blunders. “Hi Michael, its ——-… Oh wait.. ha ha…. Hi ——- its Michael…… so uhhhhhhhh……. call me back……………….. uhhhh bye -click-“. And those are just the wrong numbers…. This has been known to happen, the switching names around. The last thing I need is for this to be saved on tape, and it and the resultant blathering played in front of any audience. At say… a party – which has happened. Much to my dismay it put aside the excruciating minutia of that party and gave the people there a new item of discussion, if only a minute. I’ll get you back for that one day.
My answering machine refuses to play messages all the way through. I guess it thinks it has played the part I want to hear, and then no amount of coaxing, yelling, or erotic massage will get it to play the rest of the message. I think it is jealous.
When it has something to say the answering machine beeps and beeps until you give it attention. Kind of like babies, or women (I didn’t really say that… did I?). So I get home and there the little magic box is, beeping, beeping, beeping. It is just incessant until it gets the attention it demands. What kind of messages do I get? Clean your carpets for $19.99? Sign up for high speed internet. Wrong number? Chat away about how cousin Bill had his 3rd heart attack anyway!
Potential for abuse
One form of self abuse attributed to answering machine usage is the saving of old messages. Lets take a hypothetical example. So your girlfriend leaves all kinds of “interesting” messages on the machine. Long after she is gone they are still there. So you, being the slightly heartbroken obsessive type, listening to this old girlfriend’s voice going on and on about stuff and even singing songs. Over and over and over and over. Probably one of the best ways to punish yourself this side of falling down the stars on purpose. Or so I have heard and read.
There are also the messages that are actually for you, but you don’t really want. Like the crazy, psychotic raving bitch (not her biggest fan I guess) who decided to heckle me for weeks and weeks on the answering machine. It sucked. Or course, there are other deranged callers that leave a multitude of messages, only these are silly and humorous, or maybe confusing. This is fine because that is their intention and that is understood. Take the friend of mine who, on two or more occasions, left messages that mostly consisted of reciting what time it was (you know who you are…). Yes, its 7:45:46, 7:45:47, 7:45:48, 7:45:49, 7:45:50, 7:45:51, 7:45:52, 7:45:53, 7:45:54, 7:45:55, 7:45:56, 7:45:57, 7:45:58, 7:45:59, 7:46:00. You get the idea. He went on until 7:55:50. I don’t know why. If you were to ask him, I suggest that he wouldn’t either. Or the time he pretended to have the wrong number and suggested that there had been some sort of accident with “Darryl at the club”. Hmmm… I hope that really WAS a wrong number – I never decided to ask.
These and even more exciting messages at an answering machine near you!